Fears and Secrets
by coracat
Summary: Sam has a fear brought on by a big secret hes been hiding from the team, but when the humiliation becomes to much to handle will Sam tell his secret or let his anger distroy his career?
1. Fears

Chapter One - Fears

Everyone has something there scared of, everyone has fears. Everyone on team one was scared of something. Jules was scared of spiders, Greg was scared of planes, Spike was scared of rats, Wordy was scared of heights, Ed was scared of cats, but nobody knew what Sam was scared of.

Everybody gathered in the briefing room after a long exhausting shift.

"Ok Everyone listen up", Greg began

"Tomorrow the red cross is coming here for blood donations, everyone will be donating especially you Sam", Greg said look towards his colleague.

Sam was type O it was very important that he donate blood because it was such a rare type.

"Yes Sarge", Sam replied

The team was dismissed and told to get plenty of sleep and not to eat anything tell after there donation tomorrow. Everyone left HQ talking about the donations and why it was such a great thing to do. Sam didn't have much to say though.

When Sam got home he sat at his kitchen table thinking about how he was going to donate blood. Nobody knew he was afraid of needles. Sam paced back and forth for endless hours before he decided to get some sleep.

He woke up two hour early so he showered and got ready for work, but when he checked the clock it was still to early to go down to the station. He went out and hopped on his bike and road down to the station hoping to shoot some hops before he had to get his blood drawn. He was the first one down to the station, he headed straight for the locker room and changed. He went down to the gym and grabbed a ball.

When Sam got nervous that's what he would do, shoot some hops. It helped him relax. Sam sat in the middle of the gym floor with the ball in his hands, but with no intentions on using it. Sam sat and thought about how many lives he saved as an SRU officer, then he thought about how many lives he could save by donating a little blood. After all its just a little poke he told himself.

Sam got up off the floor and tossed the ball into the net before turning around and walking back into the locker room. He changed into his SRU uniform and rolled up his one sleeve before walking down the hall to the medical room. That's correct there's a nurses room in the SRU.

Sam was surprised to see the whole the team already waiting outside the door.

"Hey Sam", Jules yelled from her position in line.

Sam raised his hand and waved at Jules. He went and stood next to her in line. The doors opened and a woman in nurse scrubs greeted the men and Jules. There were seven chairs set up, one for each member of the team. Sam sat next to Jules, hoping it would take his mind off the sharp pointed object that would be entering his arm.

Everyone sat down and settled into the cars. Sam put his head back and closed his eyes. He didn't want the others to see his fear but Sam was scared his hands were sweating and his forehead began getting sweaty to. He dried his hands off on his pants and put his head back again.

"Sam are you alright", Jules asked concerned

"Yeah, I'm Fine", Sam replied fear in his voice

"Ok Mr. Braddock your first", the nurse said walking over to Sam's chair.

She sat down in a chair beside his arm. Sam could hear her getting the instruments ready on the tray next to him and he began to panic. The nurse tied a rubber band around Sam's arm, she dipped a cotton ball in rubbing alcohol and rubbed on Sam's arm where his vain was. She picked up the needle and was about it stick it in Sam's arm when Sam jumped up out of his chair and ran out of the room.


	2. Needles

Chapter two - needles

"Sam", Jules yelled running after him out of the room.

Sam sat out a bench just down the hall. He could hear the whole team laughing along with the nurse. He put his head in his hands in defeat.

"Sam are you ok", Jules asked putting her hand on his shoulder.

"No" Sam replied

"What's wrong", Jules asked curious

"I'm scared of needles" Sam replied sadly, "A SRU agent scared of a little needle", Sam added in disgust.

"Sam were all afraid of something" Jules said rubbing his back, "Just because your scared of a needle doesn't make you weak Sam", Jules continued.

Sam looked up at Jules tears in his eyes.

"Sam I will be right there beside you, won't let anything happen", Jules said grabbing his hand.

"we'll do this together", she said pulling Sam up from the bench.

They walked back to the nurses room.

"Are you ready" Jules asked

Sam shock his head and Jules pushed the door open.

The rest of the team got the needles while Sam and Jules where gone and as a precaution they all had to wait 30 minutes before they could leave the room. Sam could smell the rubbing alcohol and it made his head spin. He sat down in his chair, Jules still hold tight onto his hand sat next to him.

"Are you ready now Mr. Braddock", the nurse asked sarcastic.

"Yeah", Sam replied.

He put his head back on his chair and closed his eyes. He felt the nurse put a new band around his arm. He could feel the team staring at him but he wasn't about to open his eyes though. Sam felt the nurse rub his arm with the cotton ball and he smelt the rubbing alcohol.

"Jules", Sam said with fear in his voice.

"I'm right here Sam", Jules replied kissing the top of his hand that held on tightly to hers.

"Ok Mr. Braddock, your going to feel a small pinch", the nurse said.

"WAIT!", Sam yelled, just before the nurse could put the needle in his arm.

"Sam it's ok, I'm right here", Jules said putting her other hand threw his hair.

Sam took a deep breath and the nurse stuck the needle in his arm. Sam cringed in pain and exhaled. Sam kept his eyes closed while the machine withdrew his blood.

"Ok Mr. Braddock, your all finished", The nurse said pulling out the IV.

Sam opened his eyes to find Jules right by his side, her hand still holding onto his. Sam looked over at the rest of the guys who where all trying to hide there laughter.

"Don't worry about them", Jules said pulling Sam's face back to hers. "I'm proud of you", She continued kissing Sam.

The rest of the team was now free to go, they left bursting out laughing before they even exited the room. Sam stayed with Jules while the nurse drew her blood. Then they sat in silence waiting for the nurse to clear them.


	3. Humilitation

Chapter three - Humiliation

The rest of the day was quiet, tem one didn't get a single call. Sam changed quickly and went home avoiding the team as much as possible.

The next day Sam woke up rode his bike to work, changed and went down to the gym. He punched angrily at the bag in front of him. He finally got tired and stopped. He stripped of his gloves and tap and went over and grabbed some weights. Just as he sat down the rest of the team walked in. Everyone was silent, but Sam could feel them staring.

He brushed it off and continued lifting his weights. The anger building inside of him as he remembered them laughing yesterday. He lifted the weights faster and faster, not feeling the pain in his arms from the strain of the weight.

"Sam relax", Jules said putting a hand her hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah Sam, those weights aren't holding needles what's you rush", Wordy butted in.

That tipped Sam off he dropped the weights to the floor, jumping of his bench and charging at Wordy with his fists in the air. Sam pushed Wordy to the ground, pinning his down Sam began beating him. Punch after punch. The team tried to restrain Sam but the anger he had been holding in all morning had boiled over and there was no stopping him. Sam finally ran out of steam and the team managed to pull him off of Wordy.

"Go cool off Braddock", Ed yelled

Sam walked out of the training room and into the locker room. Sam sat down on a bench and put his head in his hands, ashamed of what he had just down. How could he let his anger get the best of him like that. He could hear Jules yelling something about immaturity and ignorance from the training room. Sam slumped down against his locker and began sobbing.

"Your weak Braddock", His father voice said in the back of his head.

Sam got up and jumped in the shower. Letting the warm water run down his body. He began to relax and little. He couldn't believe what he had just done, he just humiliated Wordy and Himself in front of the whole damn team. How could he be so stupid. He turned the water off and got dressed. He went back out into the locker room and sat back down the water off his hair dripping to the floor.

"Sam, can I come in", A voice called from outside the locker room.

"Yeah", Sam replied.

Greg walked into the locker room disappointment on his face. He could see by how red Sam's eyes were he had been crying. Greg put his hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam's head fell and he began sobbing again.

"I'm weak", Sam said between sobs.

"What", Greg replied

"I'm weak, I can't even get a needle how am I supposed to be a SRU agent", Sam said sobbing even more.

Greg began rubbing Sam back. Sam didn't know where all this emotion was coming from but he put his head against Greg's chest and just let it all come out. Greg pulled Sam close and rubbed his back trying to comfort him. Sam finally calmed down and looked up to see Greg's eye full of hurt. Greg couldn't stand to see his strongest man so weak and broken.

"Take some time off Sam" Greg said.

"I'm giving you a week, we can manage without for one week", he continued.

"Ok", Sam replied wiping his face.

Sam walked out of the locker room to find the whole team standing outside the door. He walked by everyone, tears streaming down his face. He walked out the front doors and got on his bike and made his way home humiliated.


	4. Alone

**Chapter four - Alone **

**Sam stormed, him and Jules had been living together for about four months now and it was no surprise that she was home before he was. He opened the door and walked inside kicking his shoes of and heading for the bedroom. He slammed the bedroom door and laid down, tears streaming down his face. Jules knocked on the door but Sam was to upset to answer. So she just came in. **

**Jules found Sam laying with his knees against his chest. He was sobbing so hard he could barley breathe. Jules didn't know what caused him to get like this but she was sure it wasn't the needle incident or the fight. **

"**Sam, what's wrong", She asked cautiously **

"**Is this about what happened today", she pushed, Sam just shook his head no. **

**Jules could see she wasn't getting through to Sam, so she left the room shutting the door behind her to give him some time alone to calm down. She went back into the kitchen to finish making dinner. She could still hear Sam sobbing in the bedroom. Then he just stopped. Jules got scared and ran into the bed room, to find him sitting on the edge of the bed with a picture in his hand. It wasn't a picture she was familiar with. It was a picture of Sam and a younger woman standing next to him. **

**Jules went and sat down beside Sam. She put her arm around him and rubbed his shoulder as the tears streamed down his face. He took a deep breath, **

"**I need to tell you something", he said as to exhaled **

"**Ok", Jules replied **

**Sam handed her the picture, Jules inspected it carefully. Nothing looked out of the ordinary though, it was just Sam with a girl. **

"**Who is she", Jules asked curious **

"**My little sister Elizabeth", Sam replied **

"**She passed away while I was in Afghanistan", he went on, wiping his eyes. **

**Jules was confused and Sam could tell. So he told her the story. **

" _**Elizabeth was the best little sister I could have ever have asked for. She always support you and never judged, but she had problems of her own. She was involved with the wrong people and was a heroine user. I was always bailing her out of jail and I went to everyone of her meetings with her. I hated to see her throw her life away like she was, so I decided because I couldn't save her I would go to Afghanistan and try and save others. Just before I left the went into a rehabilitation facility and I thought for sure this was the end she was cleaning herself up. I was wrong just two days before I came back I got a phone call from my mom telling me Elizabeth had died. That the found her on the bathroom floor with the needle still in her arm." **_

**Jules pulled Sam close as his tears started building up again. **

"**Oh Sam", she said rubbing his back **

"**No every time I look at a needle I think about her and it's just to much, I start getting flash backs and I hear her voice and I see us as little kids." He said sobbing **

"**I was her big brother Sammy, I should have protected her, I should have helped her, I should have been there when she need me." His sobs grew louder. **

"**It wasn't your fault", Jules said trying to hide her own tears. **

"**I the hall yesterday listening to the guys laugh at me, it made me feel so alone it triggered the flash backs and …………, and." Sam's couldn't speaking anymore his emotions took over he was lost for words. **

**Jules sat there comforting him. His head pressed tightly against her chest. When Sam had finally stopped crying Jules lifted his head to see he head cried himself to sleep. She laid him down on the bed and shut the lights out and shut the door. She went out into the kitchen warmed up her dinner and ate it. She picked up the phone and called Greg and Ed and told them what had just happened. Either of them knew Sam had a sister. They knew Sam was in pain and now they knew the reason for his attack on Wordy this afternoon. They gave Sam the week off and promised not to say anything to the team. **


	5. Nightmares

**Chapter five - Nightmares **

**Jules went and crawled into bed with Sam after talking to Greg and Ed. She wrapped her arms around Sam and listened to his soft breathing. It put her to sleep right away. Shortly after Jules was awakened by Sam's screams. She shock Sam a couple times and he finally woke up. Jules could see the horror in his eyes and she knew what he had dreamt about. She rubbed his back and let him slowly calm down. Sam laid back down but didn't go back to sleep. **

**He woke Jules up in the morning so she could get ready for work and he sat down in front of the couch and turned on the TV. When Jules got home Sam was still on the couch but he was sleeping. She knew what a rough night he had, had so she let him sleep. She ate dinner alone again and went to bed right after. At 2 am Sam started screaming again just like last night. Jules jumped up and ran out into the living room. She woke him up and sat by his side. **

"**I'm so sorry Jules", Sam apologised **

"**It's ok Sam", Jules said holding him. **

**Jules didn't want to know what was in Sam's dream but she hoped it would stop so they could both get some sleep. She stayed up all night with Sam holding him, trying to get him to fall back asleep. She woke up on the couch and Sam was sitting on the chair staring off into space. Jules got ready for work, kissed Sam goodbye and headed down to HQ. **

**Sam wasn't sleeping when Jules so got, he was cleaning. Jules didn't seem to mind, she had been so busy with work and with Sam that she just hadn't had time to do anything around her house. She made dinner again but this time Sam ate with her. It was a quiet evening. Sam asked how work went, Jules asked how his day was and that was it. **

**Sam slept on the couch again afraid to wake Jules again with his screams. Jules crawled into bed with a book, it didn't take her long to get tired and put the book away. Just like the last two nights Sam started screaming at 2 am but this time Jules didn't go and check on him she let him scream tell he woke himself up which didn't seem to take long. Sam walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed next to Jules who was now fully awake. **

"**I think I Need some help", Sam said.**

"**Tell me what your nightmare is about Sam", she pleaded. **

"**I find myself walking in the front door of my house and walking into the bathroom to find my sister sticking the needle into her arm, but its like I freeze I can't move I can't speak no matter how hard I try I can't save her and that's usually when you wake me up." **

**Jules put her hand in Sam's. His dream was guilt based, he felt it was his fault his sister had died and his subconscious was showing him there was nothing he could do to help his sister but replaying that moment over and over in his dreams. **


	6. Sleepover

Chapter Six - sleepover

Jules went to work tired as ever. She went into her locker room got changed and met the guys in the briefing room.

"You ok Jules", Greg asked concerned

"No, It Sam", Jules replied

"Is something going on between you to", Ed asked

"No", Jules replied

"Well What is", Spike asked

"I think that's for Sam to tell, not me", Jules replied.

Jules didn't tell the team about Sam's sister but she told them about his nightmares not what they were about but that they were bad. The team decided to organize a sleepover a HQ for the night and see if Sam would have a nightmare. Kind of cruel Jules thought but if it was going to help she was all for it. She phoned Sam and told him about the sleepover, he didn't really like the idea but went anyway.

Jules went and picked up Sam and some pillows and blankets after work. The team sent of camp in the training room, just because it was so big and because there was a TV in there and if they needed to they could drop a weight on Sam to wake him up. Everyone gathered in the training room.

Sam couldn't avoid everyone's stares and it was starting to bother him.

"So Sam do you want to tell us what the hell is going on", Wordy said breaking the silence.

"You mean Jules didn't tell you", Sam said surprised

"No" Wordy replied.

"I guess I have to tell you then", Sam replied taking a small breath.

Jules was lucky she grabbed Sam's picture before she left. She passed it around the little circle that had formed in the center of the room. Sam started telling his story and by the end everyone in the room had tears in there eyes. Even Wordy, who was now apologising and hold Sam as he apologised too. The Sam told them about his dream. No one was really surprised by it.

Jules began laying blankets and pillows on the floor and Greg put in a movie while Ed made some popcorn. The team laid on the floor staring up at the TV. Everyone except Sam who had passed out in the back of the room. His snores filled the room, everyone giggled. Jules sighed in relief, that he was finally getting some sleep.

The movie ended and everyone crawled into the makeshift bed Jules made for them. She check the clock it was 10:30 pm she gave everyone a warning that Sam usually started screaming around 2 am. Everyone feel asleep hesitatingly. At 2 am Sam started screaming Just like Jules said. Everyone jumped up and ran to Sam's side.

"Sam, Sam buddy wake up", Ed said shaking him.

"Come on Sam wake up", Greg added

Sam snapped up gasping for air. Ed and Greg helped him sit up.

"Breathe Sam", Wordy said scared

Sam's rigged breathing stopped as he began calming down.

"it was my fault", Sam said when he was relaxed again.

"She died because of me, I should of helped her", Sam sobbed.

"No, Sam", Greg said

"It wasn't your fault", Ed said

"Elizabeth died Sam because of her choices. There was nothing you could have done for her Sam", Greg said rubbing his back.

"I never said goodbye", Sam said out of the blue.

"What", Ed asked

"I never said goodbye" Sam said again. "I was so upset with myself for not being there for her I never said goodbye", Sam finished.

Everyone hugged Sam at the same time. The team hated seeing Sam so broken they didn't like it, he wasn't funny or laughing. Eventually everyone feel back asleep except Sam and Ed who stayed awake and talked.

"Why don't we go as a team", Ed said

"Where", Sam asked

"To say goodbye to Elizabeth", Ed continued.

"Were family Sam, we would love to be there with you, you shouldn't have to do it alone it's not good for you", Ed went on.

"Ok", Sam finally said

"Ok, Well go tomorrow", Ed said pleased.

Ed gave Sam a hug and laid back down.


	7. Goodbyes

Chapter seven - Goodbyes

The team ate breakfast together, showered and got cleaned up. The teams pilled into on SUV and drove down to the cemetery where Sam's sister was buried. The whole drive Sam spent fidgeting. Then when they got there he could find the will to get out of the SUV. The team knew it was hard for Sam so the supported him and waited tell he was ready.

Finally everyone made it out of the SUV. The team had there SRU uniforms on as a sign of respect. They walked through the cemetery tell they found the grave marked _Elizabeth Jane Braddock 1991-2009. _The team kept some distance and let Sam do his think. Jules stepped up beside him putting a hand on his shoulder as she placed some flowers against the head stone.

Sam knelt down in front and brushed away the leave that cluttered around the head stone. The team stood around him watching and waiting for something to be said. Sam got up and pull a slip of paper out of his pocket.

"I'm SO Sorry El", Sam started reading off the paper

"I knew you were struggling and I didn't help you, I wanted you to learn for yourself. I should helped you. I miss you El, I look at the picture of us everyday before I get ready for work and everyday when I come home. I like to think your protecting me, watching me, making sure I don't get hurt."

Tears started streaming downs Sam's face as he continued reading

"I was you big brother Sammy, I was the tough guy. I always bailed you out and made sure you were safe. I did my best to make sure you stayed away from drugs but I couldn't stop you once you started. Believe me I tried El I really did. I was never supposed to be standing here. You were supposed to our live me El, remember we promised when we little, we made a pact that no matter what we would both out live mom and dad, you should have out lived me to El."

Sam's emotions grew. Everyone standing around him was now crying to but they all managed to offer some comfort as Sam continued his plea.

"I hurt me so bad no being there when it happened. I should have been the one to find you not mom. I should have been there. I miss you El, I love you El and not matter what I will never stop thinking about you. You will always be my baby sister Elizabeth Jane Braddock."

Sam wiped his eyes before placing his bundle of flowers in front of the head stone. Everyone wiped there eyes and gave Sam a huge. They made there way back to the SUV and climbed in. Sam put his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.

The team spent the night at HQ again to make sure Sam would be ok and he was. Sam went to sleep like and slept. His snoring kept everyone else awake but his screams didn't. when the team woke up in the morning Sam was a totally different person. He was happier, brighter, he was Sam again.

Spike asked what he dreamt about and Sam told him that in his dream he was standing face to face with Elizabeth and she said not to worry so was ok and that it wasn't his fault. She gave him a hug and a kiss and told him she loved him and then just walked away. Tears ran down the teams face once more but not tears of sadness tears of happiness.

Sam Braddock fixed things with his little sister Elizabeth and it all started with a needle and some laughs.


End file.
